Is It Me or the Algorithm? Why Dating Apps Feel So Exhausting—and How to Shift Your Approach
Struggling with dating apps in Boston? You're not alone. Here's what our therapists want you to know.
If you’ve ever stared at your dating app screen wondering, "Why does this feel like a second job?" you’re not alone. At Health Psychology Associates, many of our clients—especially high-achieving young professionals in Boston—come to therapy feeling frustrated, disheartened, or completely burned out by modern dating. And with good reason.
Why App Dating Feels So Draining
The Emotional Weight of Dating Apps
App-based dating promises efficiency and endless options, but in practice, it often delivers overwhelm, self-doubt, and fatigue. Instead of a meaningful connection, you’re stuck in a loop of small talk, ghosting, and wondering why the match never led to a meet-up. The mental load of managing multiple conversations, curating your best self, and interpreting silence can leave you feeling like you’re always the problem.
Spoiler: It’s Not Just You
Yes, dating can bring up old insecurities and vulnerabilities—but that doesn’t mean you’re broken. Dating apps are designed to keep you scrolling, not necessarily to help you form a secure, lasting relationship. Algorithms prioritize engagement (i.e., time spent on the app), not emotional compatibility. That means what you're experiencing is, in many ways, a perfectly normal response to an imperfect system.
Why High-Achievers Burn Out Faster on Apps
If you thrive on setting goals and seeing results, dating can feel like a personal failure when things don’t move forward. You’re used to being competent, productive, and in control—but dating doesn’t follow the same rules. This mismatch can lead to a cycle of avoidance, criticism, and self-blame. Our therapists often hear: "Maybe I'm too much," or "Maybe I'm not enough."
Therapist-Backed Tips to Shift Your Approach
1. Change the Goal.
Instead of focusing on finding "the one," focus on building relational skills and self-understanding. Every interaction can offer insight.
2. Limit Your Time on the App.
Set time boundaries so you're not passively scrolling. Use intentional swiping sessions and then log off.
3. Move to Real Life Quickly.
Don’t linger in text convos for weeks. If there's mutual interest, suggest a brief, low-pressure meet-up within a few days.
4. Manage the Story You Tell Yourself.
If someone ghosts or doesn't message back, it says more about them than it does about you. One data point is not a character assessment.
Dating Shouldn’t Feel Like a Second Job
Dating doesn’t have to be another performance metric. It can be a process of exploration, learning, and connection—with yourself and with others. If you're finding it hard to keep perspective or avoidance and discouragement are taking over, we’re here to help.
Therapy for Dating & Relationships in Boston
At Health Psychology Associates, we specialize in helping driven individuals date with clarity, confidence, and self-compassion. Our expert therapists in Boston understand the emotional toll of dating apps and ghosting, and they can help you reconnect to yourself while navigating the dating world.
